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it's funny; when i sit down to write these things, i feel like i have so much to say and not enough time, yet all i do is sit and stare blankly at the screen... slide down my seat a little, let my mind wander.
i wonder if i have knives in my back, i think i do. every time someone has broken what little trust i have in them, i think i get a cloudy knife into my back. There are some i have let twist the blade, not many, but enough.
When i lay in my bed and think, i can feel them, sitting there, stagnant, like rotting weeds in a murky swamp.
Can you even picture that... I can. Dark, cold, muddy swamp land. You can smell the age of it... shitty, murky water that's been sitting there for...ever? The air's so damp you can feel the residue on your lungs as you breath it in, like condensation. You can't help but think about the slimy coating of stale "air" that's now settling on your internal organs. It's fucking engulfing you now. Nature's shit hole is crawling all over you, a violation of body and mind. The weeds, roots and stems of the plant "life" are like no other; they're existing but they're not ALIVE. That black water ripples occasionally, but you have no fucking idea what lies beneath that shit, you know no one likes that feeling, the one where you're actually unsure if you would come back after breaking the surface of that shit.
enough.
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right, so, the other day i got punched in the face three times by a girl. now, THAT is misleading, so i will elaborate. she's christian, a REAL christian. Tall... blonde, she towers over me, however "i find you intimidating" comes from her mouth, not mine. i'm genuinely interested in her, so i ask a lot of questions, then i drop the 'so you're waiting until marriage, then?' line and she adamantly confirms this. I guess my friend and i smirk, but she ignores it. There's a few more questions about this... and then she reveals she has never actually touched herself and i can't fucking get over it. "have you ever hit anyone?" "no, of course not!" "do you want to? you can punch me in the face as hard as you can, if you want" "can i really..." "yes" waste me. it was great. she got me good on the third go, oh yes, adrenaline was exploding through my veins. Current Mood:  bored
Current Music: interpol
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it's funny that this whole thing could be deleted in a few clicks. That decision would take most people probably a lot of thought, but i tend to make rash, illogical decisions based on the emotions i'm feeling at the time. There's a lot of people like me, and they piss me off, badly. i will never take 'party pills' again, let me tell you; there was NO "euphoric high" the bottle promised. There was spewing. And i think i disappointed HER again. That's the worse thing, i really hate that. speaking of which, i have to leave here.. and get there, cos this shit is driving me fucking nuts. Don't get me wrong, it's a million times better than nothing, but i'm used to, well, doing something about stuff. Not sitting in a different country doing nothing. i think i'm okay tho, it's all okay... it will be okay anyway. i'll make it okay, okay? p.s. i still feel bad about stuff pertaining to two weeks ago. But i made the right decision, oh yes i did. Current Mood:  sick
Current Music: linchpin - fear factory
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haha, i don't even know why i'm writing this... i was talking to ***** about an event that happened which i didn't expect to happen. It was in November 2007, and now i feel like, well, like it didn't happen... that it was a dream, a surreal day dream. Something my mind cooked up when i was bored. Anyway, now i'm paranoid i'm not really living a real life any more, ha, i say 'any more', but it's been this way for years. I feel like i don't actually exist, well, more so, that i exist in a non existent world. That seems like a paradox, but sometimes i think that i can't actually die because nothing is real. The people i know aren't real, they don't exist. It's just me. everything revolves around ME because all these people and jobs are just figments of MY imagination. it disturbs me, it really does, i mean what the fucking hell is wrong with me. i keep thinking back to when i was really, really fucking messed up... started taking the antidepressants, i was unwell, i didn't eat for a week, i couldn't sleep, and i just remembered being hunched over my computer, hood pulled over my head, skin pale as well, i would say milk, but milk looked a lot more healthy than me then, i wasn't just pale... i was grey. Bloodshot eyes, shaking and weak. What are you going to do when i get like that again, huh? what happens when it lasts weeks? will you be there? who will be there? i think you think you will be there, but could you really stand it? Current Mood:  apathetic
Current Music: pendulum
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why is it, that some times like... i can do no wrong, and then other times every thing i do turns to shit. it happens to every one. sounds like a stupid question that can be answered with one of those stupid 'well, that's life' answers, but like, it's not just some things going wrong, or some things going right, it's EVERY thing. ah well. everything needs to slow down, well, i think it is actually, i still feel uneasy though. Almost lost everything, almost. I think it will be okay, for a while i didn't, but yeah, it has to be alright, doesn't it? i guess i fell from grace, hard, lol. ha, i used to think, yeah, you'll be gone soon, because you i'm too outrageously stupid when it comes to this for you, so i thought, come and have a go then, you must think you're hard enough for the shit i do, and idk... maybe you are? you're still here, after all. it's confusing me. i thought i'd live a life of solitude. it's okay, okay? Current Mood:  awake
Current Music: beach boys
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