This shit is fucked. We talked about phases and how every fucking things is a phase. I can't let go of that stupid phase, you know the one, the one where we yelled at teenagers and fell in love with them all at the same time too. I never met mine, I never met the one I love. I'd like to go along with this heartbreak and say I have nothing, but I don't. Is this what satisfaction doesn't feel like. Will I ever be happy or will I always be the bitch looking for more than they have, hurting anyone along the way.

fuck fuck fuck. stupid girl, made of dumb.

fuck time, phases, time fucks phases and phases fucks me. i fuck time now? how do you fuck time.
21, i'm yours to take away.

you won't do what i say when i say you won't care when i say you won't be here be there be fucking either be something fuck you.

now i have to forget her.

It isn't like the movies... wait, fuck that, who the fuck starts something with that. NO SHIT it's not like the movies, the movies are dreams you buy for fucking $10 to sit in a nice seat with some popcorn because no one has a life like the fucking movie. When there is a movie that you're able to "relate to so much!!" it's so you think you're not alone. Well, you are alone, just because you share similar problems to someone else doesn't make you not alone. YOU are alone and YOU have to deal with it by YOURSELF. All that should be obvious, I guess.

Anyway, i have to forget her, erase her. I never thought I'd have to do this or that i'd even consider it, but it's just sucking the life out of me. I try, so fucking hard and she will never appreciate it, any of it. There are only so many times a human can be kicked while down, there are only so many times a human can ignore feelings that make you sweat to hide with a smile on your fucking dial, there are only so many times a human can go through a months of silence perpetrated by you, strung a long, strung up now i'm fucking strung out.
So, take your leave, your hypocrisy can go with you, and stop shattering me. Your name will never be spoken or written by me again. One day, you might read this, and you'll think about how much you 'helped me' by ignoring me. Well you fucking didn't.

here is a parting gift to the masses: http://seafercat.livejournal.com/11225.html

love is sadly real. not like the movies.

well, i haven't been here in while but to calm all your worries yes i AM sitting in a comfortable chair.

i'm getting old, older, don't know yet if i'm glad i sat down.

it's alright that you don't pick up, i'm in love with disappointment. i'd like to say it's nice hearing your voice on the answering machine but that's only slightly true. People often say how comforting it is to hear the voice of that person on a answering message... when is that comforting??? when you know things will work out? when you're just waiting for the imminent make up? what about when you've dropped the vase and cut your hands trying to clean it up? what about when you're the other person, the one with the white knuckles wrapped around the receiver and the mix of sickening feelings only the other person deserves(???????????????). I let my grimy guts take over my heart's beat, it controls the quickening, the slowing, and one day, the stopping.

shit....................................when..... will..... i ......be..... content.

my past slips, it's slipping from my fingers, but the feelings remain I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP SELF ASSURED ARROGANT DEPENDENT RIP MY FUCKING FINGER NAILS OUT HELP ME

fuck it, you know what to do
what, sir?
BLAME THE FUCKING AMERICANS.

"I'm the first one who saw her", or so i'd like to think. Take a walk, take a shovel, bury yourself in that wet sticky dirt, just for a little while, touch Europe and come back a little bit whiter, if you do feel so inclined.

I haven't done this in a while, but i've been reading over old entries; it's funny how they don't even seem like me... well, on the surface. Inside me, to the core i know all this livejournal bullshit is entangled in me, intravenous you poetic fuckers, in me until someone decapitates me and it all pisses out of a neck you should have run your tongue down. Shit guys, we all know no one's going to behead me, I'm the same as you, you know we'll lead miserable lives until our faces droop and skin shrivels, we'll take our last breath and die in our sleep, nothing romantic, nothing fantastic, life's last anaesthetic, you will slip into the numbness and fade to, well, nothing.

"I'm the first one who saw her", or so i'd like to think, because of what I've done, she only exists on scraps of paper pinned to my wall.

we were walking down the street, late at night, my hand found hers and hers found comfort, squeezing mine -- she's learning to give me the reassurance my ego needs. It's all so wonderful, isn't it?
three guys, into her view, into my head, pushing each other, drinking; you know, all the things a drunk male student does. My hand releases hers almost immediately, she doesn't question it, we both understand, the silence between us as we get closer and eventually pass them with no touble is beyond noticable to me. I take a bigger mouthful of this beer now and... i'd like to say who cares, but... damn.

i'm in auckland, the big day out is tomorrow and i really just can not be bothered. I'm tired and bored, this entry will go absolutely nowhere, so whoever you are -- stop reading now because i have just stopped thinking.

jealous jealous jelly jelly, yes i am i am i am i always will be so jelly. It's the little things oh YA KNOW, just sex sex sex sex.

I went to see Seven Pounds today... SHIT. Well, the premise was good, the movie could have been good, it had potential, you know, the like the blonde girl with big tits, but it was just so fucking drawn out and boring. Too many scenes that just didn't need to be there + will smith's stupid "i'm so emotionally distraught WILL SOMEONE JUST GIVE HIM AN OSCAR look" = boring.

the only good part? this song
http://nz.youtube.com/watch?v=inW91qRDGwI

a brilliant cover, imo.

i've been missing her, now don't you even bother to get me wrong this morning, i've known the missing and the lonliness, i've known the empty bed and silent rooms DO NOT breathe, DO NOT feel, and DO NOT care. It was just.. unexpected.

Current Music: feeling good - muse

i smell like sulphur, but i will shower soon, as you should know, smells never last forever, which is probably a good thing. I say probably because of that feeling you get, the one where you smell something you have before and it takes you right back to that place, a memory, something that you won't experience again in THAT exact setting. I don't know if the feeling i get is good or bad, or even if i actually like it or not, but at the same time i pursue it; an anomaly in my eyes.

it doesn't really feel like christmas eve, actually, it rarely has the past few years, it doesn't bother me much.

i read A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote, and I really liked it. This is shorter and far less interesting than I thought it was going to be lol. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I'm here, when I say here, I mean Cromwell, the Chalets to be exact... but yes I haven't been here for a while; I have neglected my internet ways in search of a more fulfilling life. I'd like to tell you I've found, I'd love to tell you how I found it, because I think we are all the same; I could be wrong, but I think we're all lost in our literal life, sick of our friends, sick of our cities and towns, so we reach out to others who are alike yet so, so fucking far away. We grow attached, they know what we go through, they understand, but you'll never touch them, you'll never feel their presence and if you did, would it really be the same? Who knows, but yes, I'd love to tell you of how I found the paradise that filled all my dreams to the extent that my dreams would in fact be predictions, not unrealistic -- completely graspable.

Working on the vineyards has it's ups and downs; it's physically tiring, but the hours are good and the pay is not too bad. I want to travel but I love familiarity, I often think I need someone to just make decisions for me so I wouldn't have all these inner qualms.

To ****, I am not well versed and not as well educated as you, but I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy reading your thoughts -- Yes I do read it whenever I can, I am not afraid to "admit" that, people who are that close at any point are never really rid of each other, doesn't have to be sexually, romantically, or even friendly... it just IS.

This will be the first weekend I stay here, I am not looking forward to it, but I'm not really too concerned. Freedom still requires obligations... most of the time, anyway.

I crave uppers, but it's under control.

As you can see, this is starting to turn into note form, but I don't mind too much, it's expected, I think.

The guy on the computer behind me has been there for ages, he is Asian, I suppose he is talking to family and friends back home, I feel so muted compared to him, it almost makes me want to type louder. I like his voice though, which is strange for me because I rarely pay attention to Asian voices (offensive as it seems, I just don't understand their language at all, and it's not exactly attractive, and he's not a hot girl LOL!) but his is almost comforting, he sounds kind, and he doesn't speak too fast.

I keep looking at the door nervously, I know my friends will be looking for me soon, like I said, freedom often comes with obligations, so I will be going now, I will try to write more... Heh, that's almost directed at you, livejournal, you're a friend in a way, it's not like you don't listen.

well, life for me has taken an unexpected turn (AGAIN), i'm not used to dealing with all the change, I can't even elaborate right now. Adrenaline is fucking my veins.

you're all on my mind tonight, oh yes, you'll think i'm such a scoundrel for this, surely i have written about this before though?

every single female i've had that thing for, lust, desire, whatever, yeah i can see you all now, in a room, in your underwear, and you ALL love me :)

ah, i won't drown in all these stupid stories i write, they're just, well... they're just there. I'm sick from the stories.