urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat seafercat seafercat 2008-05-16T11:53:00Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:37742 2008-05-16T11:53:00Z 2008-05-16T11:53:00Z the greater the trust, the greater the betrayal urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:37476 2008-05-15T04:13:39Z 2008-05-15T04:13:39Z i don't like to see you struggle. listen to s.f., he's right, life IS consistently unkind, however, i'll always be there, like i said. <br /><br /><br />fuck it, you don't have to listen i'll just talk to your body, i forgave you, i did, i knew what i did was wrong and you threw it back in my face, i don't trust you, you hurt me, you stabbed me in the back, and you know what? i forgive you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:37214 2008-05-11T11:24:15Z 2008-05-11T11:24:15Z i am happy. like... idk, just happy.<br /><br />probably because of her, i am happy that she loves me and i'm happy i love her. i will explode with happiness, but idk if she is happy... i would give anything for her to be happy.<br /><br />so you miss me, huh? i would like to say good, i would like to say serves you right, i would like to say ha, but i can't. idk what to say. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:37096 2008-05-01T13:48:00Z 2008-05-01T13:48:00Z i went for a walk, a long walk. Truck drivers look so damn lonely at night, in their little dimly light cabs. They're hunched over the steering wheel, blank looks on gaunt faces, and i think, jesus christ, how the fucking hell do i look then<br /><br />i tried clearing my head, on a long walk. <br /><br />it didn't work urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:36611 2008-05-01T10:28:47Z 2008-05-01T10:28:47Z there's something about being high and watching the news. i love it, i really do. It's great, i'm not sure why, i think i love information when i'm high, that's why i'm constantly reading random wikipedia articles when baked. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:36534 2008-04-26T06:13:41Z 2008-04-28T21:28:04Z it's funny; when i sit down to write these things, i feel like i have so much to say and not enough time, yet all i do is sit and stare blankly at the screen... slide down my seat a little, let my mind wander.<br /><br />i wonder if i have knives in my back, i think i do. every time someone has broken what little trust i have in them, i think i get a cloudy knife into my back. There are some i have let twist the blade, not many, but enough. <br />When i lay in my bed and think, i can feel them, sitting there, stagnant, like rotting weeds in a murky swamp.<br />Can you even picture that... I can. Dark, cold, muddy swamp land. You can smell the age of it... shitty, murky water that's been sitting there for...ever? The air's so damp you can feel the residue on your lungs as you breath it in, like condensation. You can't help but think about the slimy coating of stale "air" that's now settling on your internal organs. It's fucking engulfing you now. Nature's shit hole is crawling all over you, a violation of body and mind. The weeds, roots and stems of the plant "life" are like no other; they're existing but they're not ALIVE. That black water ripples occasionally, but you have no fucking idea what lies beneath that shit, you know no one likes that feeling, the one where you're actually unsure if you would come back after breaking the surface of that shit.<br /><br />enough. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:36273 2008-04-21T10:09:13Z 2008-04-21T10:09:13Z i'm a loser. that doesn't matter. <br /><br />you're mine, i know that now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:36080 2008-04-17T21:55:04Z 2008-04-17T21:55:04Z right, so, the other day i got punched in the face three times by a girl.<br />now, THAT is misleading, so i will elaborate.<br /><br />she's christian, a REAL christian. Tall... blonde, she towers over me, however "i find you intimidating" comes from her mouth, not mine.<br />i'm genuinely interested in her, so i ask a lot of questions, then i drop the 'so you're waiting until marriage, then?' line and she adamantly confirms this. I guess my friend and i smirk, but she ignores it.<br />There's a few more questions about this... and then she reveals she has never actually touched herself and i can't fucking get over it.<br /><br />"have you ever hit anyone?"<br />"no, of course not!"<br />"do you want to? you can punch me in the face as hard as you can, if you want"<br />"can i really..."<br />"yes"<br /><br />waste me.<br /><br />it was great. she got me good on the third go, oh yes, adrenaline was exploding through my veins. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:35675 2008-04-12T23:18:04Z 2008-04-12T23:18:04Z it's funny that this whole thing could be deleted in a few clicks. That decision would take most people probably a lot of thought, but i tend to make rash, illogical decisions based on the emotions i'm feeling at the time. There's a lot of people like me, and they piss me off, badly.<br /><br />i will never take 'party pills' again, let me tell you; there was NO "euphoric high" the bottle promised. There was spewing. And i think i disappointed HER again. That's the worse thing, i really hate that. <br />speaking of which, i have to leave here.. and get there, cos this shit is driving me fucking nuts. Don't get me wrong, it's a million times better than nothing, but i'm used to, well, doing something about stuff. Not sitting in a different country doing nothing.<br /><br />i think i'm okay tho, it's all okay... it will be okay anyway. i'll make it okay, okay?<br /><br /><br />p.s. i still feel bad about stuff pertaining to two weeks ago. But i made the right decision, oh yes i did. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:35430 2008-04-09T10:02:03Z 2008-04-09T10:02:03Z haha, i don't even know why i'm writing this... i was talking to ***** about an event that happened which i didn't expect to happen. It was in November 2007, and now i feel like, well, like it didn't happen... that it was a dream, a surreal day dream. Something my mind cooked up when i was bored. Anyway, now i'm paranoid i'm not really living a real life any more, ha, i say 'any more', but it's been this way for years.<br />I feel like i don't actually exist, well, more so, that i exist in a non existent world. That seems like a paradox, but sometimes i think that i can't actually die because nothing is real. The people i know aren't real, they don't exist. It's just me.<br />everything revolves around ME because all these people and jobs are just figments of MY imagination.<br /><br />it disturbs me, it really does, i mean what the fucking hell is wrong with me. i keep thinking back to when i was really, really fucking messed up... started taking the antidepressants, i was unwell, i didn't eat for a week, i couldn't sleep, and i just remembered being hunched over my computer, hood pulled over my head, skin pale as well, i would say milk, but milk looked a lot more healthy than me then, i wasn't just pale... i was grey. Bloodshot eyes, shaking and weak. What are you going to do when i get like that again, huh? what happens when it lasts weeks? will you be there? who will be there? i think you think you will be there, but could you really stand it? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:35288 2008-04-08T11:26:23Z 2008-04-08T11:26:23Z i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides<br />i will not compare my insides to her outsides urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:34866 2008-04-05T21:32:33Z 2008-04-05T21:45:07Z why is it, that some times like... i can do no wrong, and then other times every thing i do turns to shit. it happens to every one.<br />sounds like a stupid question that can be answered with one of those stupid 'well, that's life' answers, but like, it's not just some things going wrong, or some things going right, it's EVERY thing.<br />ah well.<br /><br />everything needs to slow down, well, i think it is actually, i still feel uneasy though. Almost lost everything, almost. I think it will be okay, for a while i didn't, but yeah, it has to be alright, doesn't it?<br />i guess i fell from grace, hard, lol.<br /><br />ha, i used to think, yeah, you'll be gone soon, because you i'm too outrageously stupid when it comes to this for you, so i thought, come and have a go then, you must think you're hard enough for the shit i do, and idk... maybe you are? you're still here, after all. it's confusing me. i thought i'd live a life of solitude.<br /><br />it's okay, okay? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:34807 2008-03-31T21:26:37Z 2008-03-31T21:26:37Z i'm liking this feeling i've created in myself. i mean, i am teaching myself to be cold, i used to think like hey you, yeah i'm jaded, i'm so god damn indifferent right now, but i wasn't! i cared, i cared too much, and so i think, what the fuck does caring do <i>for me</i>, bingo! you're right, it does NOTHIN but cause me pain.<br /><br />so... now i'm revealing in it, i love it, i've tried it on **** and it worked! but see, here's the tricky part, it's not that i don't care about her, because i do, but i can stop feeling it... she threw me out like her trash, cast me aside like all her other admirers, only difference is, she gave me a taste and i'm a determined fucker, so it was hard when she made her guilt driven decision, but now, well now, it makes me feel so damn powerful. I think, before long, i will be able to use it against anyone.<br />each word i write is a piece of my transformation, so take it all in, because before long, you'll be frozen out like the rest and i will be content, i might even shed a smirk. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:34078 2008-03-28T21:12:17Z 2008-03-28T21:12:17Z i have work soon :( i don't like work :( i got a different phone now, but i couldn't get the contacts off my other phone (it doesn't turn on anymore). At least i got <i>his</i> number back, of course i would, of course <i>he</i> would text me because i don't have to make more effort than i have to with <i>him</i>. What a god damn pessimist tho, DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME SO MUCH, i swear i come thru sometimes...<br /><br />haha, you think you're so fucking right, you're not right you fucking bitch, you're fucking wrong, don't fucking talk about not trusting anyone else, because you're not fucking trustworthy and i would never fucking trust you.<br /><br /><br />it has changed<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />but<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />IT'S LIFE OR DEATH WITH HER urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:34042 2008-03-25T07:56:34Z 2008-03-25T09:12:35Z i really need(ed) you here, but you aren't, so i'll just deal with it, alone, again.<br /><br />idk what to say, really. i've been at work for 12 hours, it was fucking shit the whole time. i couldn't stop thinking about you, i don't know what to do.<br /><br />last night, uhh wow... i walked for a long time. we broke into the wharf and got on a boat, it was nice. we also broke into a concrete factory thing, i wanted to climb the towers, but they were pretty secure, so we just got on top of the trucks instead.<br />probably the best thing, uhhhh, we destroyed a mountain of paper, it was really great and surreal, like that time i was standing on the couch, looking down on three people smashing up a stereo in my lounge; a girl with a machete, a guy with a machete, and another guy, who had a part of the stereo attached to a cord, and they were all smashing in time. It was incredible, i may have written about it before, but god... can you imagine it?! three people smashing something in time! AND IT WAS SO LIGHT, unbelievably bright. The stereo smashing and paper mountain were quite similar in that aspect... the paper mountain, was, hmm, also light -- a different kind of light, not incredibly bright, however it <i>was</i> incredibly deliberate, the street lights seem to lean into the paper mountain, high lighting the three of us causing so much destruction to old pamphlets in silence.<br /><br /> The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:<br />hmm im glad youre online urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:33586 2008-03-21T09:06:52Z 2008-03-21T09:06:52Z okay well, tonight i went to her grave for the first time in... years. She died in 1999, June the 18th, actually. Anyhow, the tombstone was shiny, unexpectedly shiny, small bits of moss, but otherwise, in perfect condition.<br />I pulled a few toadstools out from the grass on top of you, but... there was really nothing else i could do. I'm definitely going to move those god damn ugly fake flowers tho, they're fading, they really are.<br />I sat beside your tombstone, i felt stupid talking to a grave, but it was all pretty relaxing too, head on your grave mind on your face, it was a funny thing, i did feel extremely content, even though it was cold, getting dark, and about to rain.<br />I miss you.<br />I told you about her, i don't know why, but i did, i guess in my heart i had hoped you might be happy about it, maybe it would make you happy to know someone makes me happy? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:33308 2008-03-20T07:29:00Z 2008-03-20T07:29:00Z i'm ignoring your comment, i've built up my defenses... i must protect myself from you, and i will not get involved in any way with you, again. You're the reason i won't forgive ****, however, am i not forgiving her, or am i not forgiving myself? i'm a little confused about that at the moment... as much as i wind myself up thinking about it, and as angry i get about it, i'm not actually sure who i'm angry it; her for saying it, or me for letting it get to me?<br /><br />i feel terrible about stuff, i really do. it... was out of my control, i can't fight for what i know is right when i want what is wrong so badly. It was a train wreck waiting to happen, and i knew it was, but i let it keep going... i didn't want to choose, i knew it would be her, it always is, but i ignored it -- didn't think about it, pushed it away because i wanted both, and that is how this is all my fault. I didn't know how to tell you before and i'm sorry, i really am. Sorry doesn't make up for it, i know, but i don't know what else to say, i can't justify it at all.<br />You say you have no one now but you'll always have me, even tho things didn't work out the way they easily could have, i'll always be there for you, as corny as it sounds, i just want you to know <i>that</i><br /><br />i smell like chlorine... stupid work. stupid chlorine. so fucking insignificant. if love was play dough, i'd mold it to how i want, and i think i would still fuck it all up. can't stop tho, addicted to it. you know how to do it. you're so underrated, you don't even take your own advice, where are you now, huh?<br /><br />work it out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:33077 2008-03-13T07:48:57Z 2008-03-13T21:18:11Z remember when you said ... ah fuck it. i don't even know myself much, i re-read this whole thing and how the fuck can one person go downhill so damn rapidly, i mean, shit with ******* was bad, but i didn't think it could get worse -- stupid me, i was 17, after all.<br />now i'm just losing it, cynical even in my god damn sleep. i don't even know my own friends any more, self absorbed and pretty, they love themselves, they do.<br />when that runs out, they'll just spiral and punch holes. i'm just the same, i mean, different obsessions etc, but it's all the same, it's all the same shit.<br /><br />i apologize for ... ah fuck it. everything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:32937 2008-03-06T22:41:22Z 2008-03-06T22:41:22Z well, almost got caught stealing; box stuffed a bunch of shit, and when i walked out the alarms went off - the dumb fuck security guard asked to look in the box, the stuff was blatantly there but he asked me to walk through again and this time the alarms didn't go off so he said i could go. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, lol, i walked away i fucking walked away.<br /><br />what else? hmm, i'm going to the rugby tonight, hopefully will be good altho we haven't won a game this season.<br /><br />i'm feeling the most... comfortable i have felt in a long time, i think i'm doing okay, yknow? well, i said that now, in a few hours i'll probably be back to turning my brain all upside down, imperfection punching my thoughts.<br />but for now, well for now i'm just going to absorb these good feelings, they're coming to me, uninvited but accepted.<br /><br />i can't let go of **** yet, she's so... wrong. She doesn't belong here! i don't know. I can't take the fact she seems to be accepting her situation of marriage and kids, she knows it was too early, she does, but it's done and she's so god damn accepting, don't you feel like you're drowning, why don't you just let me help, stop pushing me away. You're letting life fuck you, please get the fuck off your knees, you're killing us both. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:32586 2008-03-01T07:41:15Z 2008-03-01T07:43:36Z i've come to the conclusion that i'm actually socially retarded. Well, not to that extent, but i mean, i can't figure out why people don't act the same as me in situations...<br />it sounds stupid, but... i think that when people don't act the same as me, then they don't feel the same as me. Luckily i'm starting to realise this isn't the case, which in itself, presents a new problem; how can i tell how people are feeling if they don't act the same way as me? i hate being unsure, i really do.<br /><br />long time since i've written one of these, hmm, what has happened to me? <br /><br />- made up with ****, but it still hurts<br />- almost got fined $1250 dollars, but the cop was really nice and let me off with a warning<br />- got your letter, <br />- got high, got low<br /><br /><i>the usual?</i><br /><br />i read it 8 times, no more, no less. i can't comprehend all this, it's too much, it's not your fault -- it's mine, i crave it all but i don't know what to do with it, i think at all the wrong times, and let my mind go blank when i need it the most. i'm not right for you, i'm not right for anyone, we'll both get hurt, so why do you like me like you do? me, well, i can't stop, addicted to the concept. We're close, but i think you know, it's too close for comfort. Can't admit anything, can't say it, can't make it official but those unspoken words, they're there, and we both know it.<br />What a shitty situation we have got ourselves into.<br /><br />i'm still feeling pretty itchy in my skin; some thing's not right, some thing's missing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:32423 2008-02-20T10:13:40Z 2008-02-20T10:13:40Z jesus christ... you're wrecking my life, you're telling people it was all me etc, what the fuck, and you tell me to get over it? christ no wonder i play with rope, you're killing me, really.<br />how could you do that to me. how can i still like you? you have me making myself feel sick, i can't take this shit, i guess i really am too fragile for anything.<br /><br />you're so attractive, it really kills me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:32116 2008-02-18T08:09:25Z 2008-02-18T08:09:25Z i'm into both people way too deep, i dunno, i didn't stop myself and now... it's just too late. You ever felt that feeling of having no direction? sort of like incarcerated mentality, it's just like you're trapped in thinking everything and everyone is so pointless, the lack of motivation really kills me. <br /><br />today i had my wisdom tooth ground down a bit, the pain killers she gave me were uh, strong, numbed my tongue and half of my face for about 2 hours.<br /><br />i'm extremely tired but i didn't really want you to go. i'm so sick of the distance, it's really driving me nuts, i want to touch you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:31862 2008-02-13T10:08:08Z 2008-02-13T10:08:08Z well, at first i guess i wasn't sure what to write, it's not because i couldn't think of anything, i'm just not good at stringing a sentence together sometimes.<br />anyway, i jumped on my ghetto bike, as you call it, and i rode down my street in the dark, there's a warm wind and it's all still and cliché, i'm trying to clear my head, you know? relieve some stress.<br /><br />i should be thinking about the cross road i'm about to be t-boned on, or the fact i'm wearing no shoes, just socks and the pedals are digging into me slightly, but i'm thinking about you, and you can ask me what i'm thinking about you but it's too hard to explain to you and then i start backtracking and getting nervous, cos i mess up a hundred times a day, okay i'm starting to ramble, but it's like i think a million things at once from your voice to what you're doing atm, idk... it prob sounds fucked up, hell, it probably IS fucked up.<br /><br />i guess what i'm trying to say is, it might not mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, but just know that some random in a country that doesn't matter thinks about you every day and if you're ever feeling worthless etc you're worth a whole lot to me.<br /><br />end urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:31696 2008-02-11T11:01:27Z 2008-02-11T11:01:27Z if there's one person i really admire, it's my friend *******, he's so genuine it's almost worrying.<br />he seems so free, free from worry... free from ties to aspirations of what we <i>wants</i> to be; he's just, him.<br /><br />anyway, tonight we rode our bikes to egg some guys car -- it's so immature but feels so liberating too. i love riding broken up shitty bikes with him, we passed churches, police stations, schools in which i had thrown up in when walking home drunk, a hospice, i could feel the hopeless dead and dying; cancer does seem to get us all, more churches, houses, then a street light blew. 'Is that lucky?' boy, don't you know who you're traveling with? thanks for picking up my phone for me, though, that was nice :)<br /><br />i know he was afraid when we rode through those woods<br /><br /><br />silence. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:seafercat:31401 2008-02-09T12:22:08Z 2008-02-09T12:24:51Z big party last night, the police were really good about it though. No internet home because some wanker pulled the phone jack out.<br /><br />I'm waiting, again. Always waiting. Funny thing is, even tho i know who i love, i've been thinking about the other person so much lately.<br /><br />I really feel like watching 24 Hour Party People, such a good movie. Or maybe Almost Famous, but that'd make me think of you.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel so burnt out... Like, when i've been drinking and partying for three days solid, idk, i can only see it getting worse this year... i dunno sometimes my life just seems drink smoke music people dance. I mean that sounds like YEAH! but it takes it's toll on my body. and mind.<br /><br />i had a really bad thought before, what if some people i talk to aren't really people at all; not even real, just figments of my imagination? what if my reality isn't real at all?<br /><br />Last night, i was high + drunk and i vaguely remember talking to ****, the main thing i remember is trying to ask the question "how are you?" and imagining myself taking keys off a key holder thing (one you have on your wall). The keys represented the words, like, one key would say 'how' the next 'are' etc.<br />They were all different colours.